


what could've been his eternity

by crabsten



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Pining, TW!!!!, Volleyball, angst 2x, i still dont know how to tag, iwa loves pasta, oikawas coming home from argentina, takeru plays ac, trigger warning!!! suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23784832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crabsten/pseuds/crabsten
Summary: When it’s a Saturday morning, Iwaizumi usually wakes up around 6 in his apartment in Tokyo to the sound of his alarm, but today the sound of his favorite ringtone, specifically set for Oikawa, woke him up better than the alarm sound he previously bought in order to wake him up faster.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	what could've been his eternity

**Author's Note:**

> hello i had my friends read this before publishing it so thank you lub lub <3 also follow me on anitwt if you're all about that @whorekawa

When it’s a Saturday morning, Iwaizumi usually wakes up around 6 in his apartment in Tokyo to the sound of his alarm, but today the sound of his favorite ringtone, specifically set for Oikawa, woke him up better than the alarm sound he previously bought in order to wake him up faster. He sat up straight, ready to cuss Oikawa for waking him up until he got to talk first. “Iwa-chan! You love me, right?” 

“No.” A lie. Almost everyone knows the answer is yes. The stern reply displays the sarcastic tone Iwaizumi always has for Oikawa. “Why are you calling me, Shittykawa?” 

“I need a favor, Iwa-chan. Just a tiny favor…” The brunette trails off, resulting in Iwaizumi asking him to continue. “Can you pick me up from the airport before you head back to Miyagi today?” 

“What? You said what?” Iwaizumi knew what his best friend said, but repeating it benefits him. He’s been waiting for this day in three years. He was getting tired of video calls with an awful connection and text messages that were always divided because of timezones. 

He missed seeing the man he loves endlessly in the good quality of his eyesight and hearing his favorite voice that’s used for annoying him. In all honesty, he never found Oikawa annoying. 

“Okay, look, I know you’re coming home to Miyagi today since it’s break after all. So I was supposed to schedule my flight earlier, but I forgot and the seats were out so I had to wait for today.” Oikawa explains to his best friend, who was now getting dressed as quickly as possible and unplugging his phone to rush to his bathroom. Oikawa was put on speaker along the way. “If you think about it, it works because you had a hellish practice this whole week knowing it’ll be break for a couple of weeks. So you can thank me later, Iwa-chan.” 

Iwaizumi wets his newly bought blue toothbrush, puts toothpaste in it, and wets it again. Before he started brushing his teeth, he said, “Why didn’t you tell me? You dumbass. Now you have to wait.” 

“Awh, is Iwa-chan worried about me? I’m okay. I don’t know if you know but, it’s a surprise. Duh.” The sass in Oikawa’s tone was definitely heard by Iwaizumi. “Are you brushing your teeth? Okay, I’ll give you time. You can sink in the information that I am here, Iwa-chan.”

“Are you really here, Oikawa?” He asks seriously, could barely articulate the words with all the foam in his mouth, but the other man at the end of the phone call still understood. 

“Yes, Iwa-chan. Your favorite person is home.” There was no pause, no hesitation in his words. As if he was asking the other to hurry up and take him home. 

Home. It wasn’t a destination with coordinates on a grid or a map that you could enter in the navigator. It wasn’t a house he bought or he grew up in. It was a person. It’s still a person. A person he highly respects in and out of the court. 

Those white lines separate the outside bounds of the court from the inside the game. It dictates the difference between the same wooden gripped floor of the gym. But to Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s relationship, there’s no such thing as lines. Even when the day comes and they're standing from different sides of the net, they're still partners. Nets and lines don't degrade the love and inspiration they take from one another. 

“Who said you were my favorite? I think I still prefer your sister.” He jokingly disagrees after spitting the water he just gargled out, rinsing his mouth. “She cooks me pasta every time I go home.” 

Oikawa was well educated about his best friend’s obsession with pasta. He would mindlessly talk about a recipe for a certain pasta he would see online and he would ask Oikawa to make it with him. 

Of course, Oikawa always said yes. 

“You’re forgetting your roots, Iwa-chan. We used to ma—Are you peeing? You couldn’t mute yourself?” His thoughts were cut off after hearing the sound of liquid dropping in the toilet. 

“You act like you’ve never heard me pee before, Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi recalls, it brought so many flashbacks to the other’s mind.

“Okay, well, just pick me up. I’m here at a cafe inside the international side. Let me know when you’re here.” 

“Bye, Shittykawa.” In which he got a reply from “Bye, Iwa-chan!” 

It only took Iwaizumi thirty minutes maximum to get to the airport, last time he was here he dropped Oikawa off for his flight to Argentina. He took two different routes that day, it took them almost two hours to get to the airport. 

_ “Iwa-chan I think you’re stalling!”  _

_ “No, I’m not. I’m just bad at directions.”  _

_ “We have a navigator in front of us. You’re purposely missing the turns and taking different routes.”  _

He takes his phone out to send a message to Oikawa, letting him know he’s here. He sends out a message to his mom as well to let her know he’s arriving later than usual today. He asked her to make milk bread too. 

He waits for a couple of minutes until he sees a tall and slender man, although he wasn't as lanky as before. He was wearing his glasses, his new glasses he kept talking about in text, and his hair still looks the same as ever. Iwaizumi misses the little moments when he would sneakily smell Oikawa’s hair because it was his favorite scent. 

Everything about Oikawa is his favorite. Everyone knows that except for Oikawa. He’s stupidly obvious but the other is stupidly blind. 

Oikawa never knew that Iwaizumi used to see him as the only person alive to snatch the stars out of the sky and keep it forever. 

Oikawa appears closer to the car and Iwaizumi gets out to take the luggages he was carrying. He had three, for some reason that relates to how he loves dressing up at random times and his obsession with hoarding clothes. “Did you really need all three of these luggages?”

“Yes, Iwa-chan. You never know how the weather might act. You know I dress according to the weather and style.” He says as they both close the trunk of the car. Both just stood awkwardly, but both also knew they wanted to hug each other and start crying. 

Oikawa was the first one to make the move, he hugged his best friend like it’s his last chance to do so. He hugs him as tight as their friendship, as tight as one clings on to another emotionally. 

They didn't need words to say  _ I miss you  _ or  _ I’m glad you’re home _ or  _ please stay for a while _ . The warmth their bodies give each other is enough. The way Oikawa fits his face to Iwaizumi’s neck perfectly is enough. 

Iwaizumi broke the hug, “Get off me, Shittykawa.” To his surprise, Oikawa enacts the hug once again, but even closer than they could both describe. Closer than the spaceless nights when they would sleepover at each other’s house. “Oi, are you okay, Tooru?” 

“Yes, Hajime. It just feels nice to be home.” In which the other thought,  _ I haven’t even dropped you home yet. _ Oikawa lets go and walks to the passenger seat, beating the other into using the AUX cord for the music. “Ha! We’re listening to my music the whole entire ride.” 

Iwaizumi thought of saying they could listen to his music the next time he would drop him off the airport. But it pains him to even think about that he would have to let go of Oikawa for another while. He doesn’t want to think about it. So he decides not to say it, instead, the words that came out of his mouth were, “That’s okay. I haven’t listened to your favorite artists in a while.”  _ That’s a lie _ , he thought. Ever since Oikawa left for Argentina, Iwaizumi always listened to his best friend’s favorite artists to replace the huge presence he left. 

After the long talks that displayed their excitement to hang out and spend time with each other again, Oikawa fell asleep. His little snores were heard despite the fact that there were songs radiating from the speakers. 

At a red light, Iwaizumi looks at the passenger seat and the only person he has truly loved.  _ He’s probably tired. He looks so tired, but still angelic.  _ He wasn’t going to lie, he was tempted to place a kiss on his soft red cheeks. But like usual, he holds himself back from doing so. 

He can’t ruin what he has with Oikawa, he’s the only person he can’t afford to lose. Not only because he loves him, but also because he wants to be there for his lowest moments. He wants to be there when Oikawa has made it to the top. He still wants him to be his partner when they go against each other at the national court. He chooses him over anything, so even if friendship is the only thing he could have then it’s okay. 

He has so much faith and trust in Oikawa that the man could grab the stars out of the sky and keep it. He wants him to know that, all the time. 

When they enter Miyagi, Iwaizumi wakes up Oikawa softly by tapping his thigh and mouthing the words “Oi, Shittykawa, wake up. We’re almost home.” He didn’t get a reply that was more than just a “Hm?”   
  


“Did you tell Onesan you were going home? Does Takeru even know?” He asks the sleepy, adorable man beside him. He got a nod for a reply. “Are we going to my house or yours?” He acts as if there’s a huge distance between the two houses, it’s only a block away from each other. 

“Yours, please, Iwa-chan.” He only drove faster to get home. He couldn’t wait to see the face Takeru would make once he sees his uncle or the tears Oikawa would drop once he sees how much Takeru has grown. His whole family has been so welcoming to him ever since they were little kids that at some point when they were growing up, he started to call Oikawa’s parents as mom and dad too. He cried just as much as Oikawa when they died during high school. From that point, Oikawa’s sister asked him to call him Onesan and Takeru referred to him by Hajime too. 

Oikawa goes on his phone, calling his sister to let him know he’s on his way to Iwa’s. “I know, Tooru. I figured you would’ve gone there.”

“Yeah, yeah, bye, Onesan!” The brunette hangs up cheerfully. Iwaizumi likes him this way. Happy.

They pulled up at his household and there go their relatives hopping in joy to see their other volleyball superstar. Onesan was the first one to come out, basically jumping into her younger brother. “You’ve grown so much, Tooru.” Tears came out of her eyes, he replied with only a hug until he saw his only nephew slowly walking towards him. 

“Tooru, I missed you.” The young teenager hugged his uncle as tight as he could. “Volleyball practice became different without you. But I still bragged about you to my teammates every practice! You’re still annoying though.” 

“That’s really sweet, Takeru. Do you wanna know what I got you?” The little kid nodded as Oikawa took out a notebook from his shoulder bag. “I got you this, it’s kind of simple but every breakthrough I had about volleyball the past three years is written in that notebook. As a setter and sometimes as a spiker.” The younger boy’s eyes lit up as he said his thanks and flipped through the notebook, running inside the house.

Next was Iwaizumi’s parents, who basically stood as his parents after the incident. They were parents to his sister and Takeru as well. Seeing this sight really makes Iwaizumi realize that he and Oikawa created bonds not only for themselves but around their families as well. Especially when his mom said, “We’re proud of you, Tooru.” 

Everyone comes inside all together and the first thing Tooru noticed wasn’t the big change in the furniture designs or the new TV Iwaizumi bought his parents. It was the smell of freshly baked milk bread, “Okaasan! You didn’t have to!” He excitedly runs to the kitchen with his shoulder bag and everyone laughing. 

It feels so nostalgic, not only for the two but for everyone. It hasn’t felt like this in three years, it hasn't felt like high school—no, it hasn't felt like peace in a long time. Sure, Iwaizumi loves his family and his team but Oikawa was different. 

Besides, Oikawa wanted to feel this happiness again. More than anyone in this room. Volleyball in Argentina was different and refreshing, he could say that. It felt nice to be strong and branched out. But each day was wearing him out emotionally. His knee was slowly giving up the more he was getting stronger. The closer he was getting to his goal and the nearer he was into stepping in the Olympics court against Japan, the less he felt like he could actually play. 

When Oikawa’s coach asked him to take a three-day break because of his knee, he felt like the world was crumbling down. He couldn't afford to take a bunch of  _ me days _ . He needed to practice. Knowing he was forbidden to even enter the gym, he went on a run around his apartment complex. It was uneventful at first, it was almost like he was running around his neighborhood back in Miyagi at the time. But he felt a sharp, aching pain on his knee.

A sweat dropped, he stopped running to stretch it, but he only felt more. He only felt more pain and anger and regrets and worries. He wanted to move, he really did. He didn't even realize he already fell, but he wanted to stand up again. At this point, he no longer felt the pain his body was screaming because of the way his heart was aching. Throbbing. 

He felt so alone when he realized it wasn't Mattsun or Hanamaki—definitely not Iwaizumi, that was bringing him to the hospital. It was always the three of them if he wasn't going for a check-up. Today, it was his neighbor who saw him holding on to his knee while crying. 

Of course, no one knows about it. He told Iwaizumi he was going to go rough camping with his team as his reason for disappearing for a week. But the surgeon only needed a day to perform the surgery on Oikawa's knee. Another day to let him know it wasn't successful. 

It was living hell for Oikawa. His management let his contract end early, he wasn't any use to the team anymore anyway. He spent four months pretending to his family and friends  _ and  _ Iwaizumi that he still had practice at these certain hours of the day. In reality, he was in a constant battle with himself, trying to figure out what does he do now? There's nothing left for him anymore. His team? Not his anymore. The court? He doesn't belong there anymore. His dreams? Gone. 

He didn't feel like he was meant to be for anything anymore. He would occasionally look at his favorite volleyball shoes (they were his favorite because Iwaizumi bought it for him and Takeru picked it) he brought from home and tried them on. They didn't fit comfortably anymore. It was no longer the same feeling of excitement when he would put it on, now it's just a bunch of  _ what if’s _ and  _ I wish _ . 

After four months of waiting for the perfect time to go home to Miyagi—or Iwaizumi, he buys his plane ticket. He wasn't lying to his best friend earlier when he said all flights were booked, it was just a coincidence like he swears. 

He just couldn't hold on anymore, the life in him was gone. A proper goodbye was all he needed. 

But being back home gives him so much joy. It gives him so much hope, so many memories he used as motivation at some point in his volleyball career. Seeing how his sister and nephew interact with Iwaizumi’s family and him, they were all waiting for him to come back. 

His sister hugged him tighter than the last time they saw each other. She was a little teary-eyed, of course, she was the cry baby of the family. She cried so much during their childhood but Oikawa sees her as the strongest person alive. She’s a woman who deserves more. Doing what he wants wouldn't be more for her.

Seeing the look on Takeru’s face when he gave his journal to him was worth it. The way his nephew flipped through the pages, reading and analyzing probably the worst illustrations he has seen in his life. But Takeru still understands and is still amazed at his uncle’s lists of advice, methods, and breakthroughs. He hated writing on it every day but knowing he made his nephew happy made him forget about the laziness to write he would feel every day. He hated writing with a passion. 

The phrase  _ we’re so proud of you  _ still rings in Oikawa’s brain. He can't get over the love that he has in front of him. And beside him, who stood up and asked Oikawa to change into his clothes so he could get comfortable at home. Beside him was a man who allowed him to comprehend what love is, from platonic to romantic. 

He didn't realize it was  _ that  _ type of love at first. He thought it was just friendship, that he could also feel this way about Mattsun or Hanamaki. He was wrong. It was a different feeling that made him want more from Iwaizumi. 

Argentina offered volleyball, yeah, but it didn't offer love like this. Sometimes (most of the time) he wondered if he stayed in Japan, would he be dating his Iwa-chan by now? He has missed so many chances of confessing his love, listless even if you start in this room, so he probably had confessed to him. 

Oikawa placed his shoulder bag on top of Iwaizumi’s desk, dropping it almost. He throws himself to his favorite bed and Iwaizumi throws him clothes. “Go change in the bathroom then head downstairs so we can eat. I’ll just start my laundry.”

He takes the clothes off his face and smiles, “I’m really thankful for you, Hajime.” This room was where they talked about their dreams and promises to each other. It was where Iwaizumi told him  _ Our time will come too. We just have to wait. You just have to wait here, with me  _ after losing to Karasuno in their third year. 

“Yeah, yeah, get out. Go change, you nasty.” 

Oikawa leaves the room and changes quickly, putting his clothes in the laundry hamper. At first, he had to analyze which was Iwaizumi’s, but he figured it out. It’s always been the same blue one, if it broke, he would replace it with the same design and color. 

Oikawa goes downstairs and plays with Takeru, who brought his Switch from their home. He was just watching Takeru play Animal Crossing, letting out comments like “So this is basically capitalism?” His nephew replied, “Yeah, but it’s a raccoon that controls it so it's acceptable.” 

He watches more and gets intrigued, maybe he will buy a Switch and Animal Crossing. He takes his phone to see how much it is after pushing Takeru away because he wanted to play, but he sees Iwaizumi standing up in front of him. Holding a piece of paper, half unfolded. “It fell out of your pocket. In the hamper.”

Oikawa, as a setter, was always aware of his surroundings and he was able to tell the movements of each player around him. It’s a cherry on the top to his skills. But he didn't even notice Iwaizumi’s tears dropping from his eyes until it stained the paper.

The ink was dry, knowing Oikawa wrote it at the cafe in the airport. “A suicide note? Letter? To me?” It was a whisper, a whisper full of questions and pain. His voice alone was asking why. So many why’s. 

Oikawa didn't know what to say. He couldn't even look him in the eye. He just knew that his heart dropped, but not as deep as the man’s in front of him. How does he say sorry? How does he say he found hope in him? How does he say please don't cry? How? 

“Please talk to me, Tooru.” Iwaizumi reaches for Oikawa’s hands but he runs. He runs away from his problems like he always does. He runs as if he was being chased, he was being chased by regrets and the love he forgot about because he was so selfish. 

He forgot about them, he’s sorry. He was so certain today was his last day until he remembered where he belonged. He hated Argentina despite how welcoming the team was. He felt so lonely even though he was constantly in touch with his friends and family. He hated himself because his knee couldn't hold it anymore. 

Each time his feet would step on the ground as he runs, his knee screams for help. But he thinks,  _ this is all your fault. Go suffer. You deserve this.  _ He wanted to run faster so he did, but he heard one voice from behind him. “Wait, Tooru! Wait!” He slows down not because his knee couldn't hold it anymore, but because he heard the voice that saved him. 

“Tooru! Look out!” He barely heard the words because the horn was louder. The truck’s heavy noise was coming from his left, and all he could do was crawl his way out, but it still wasn't enough. 

Oikawa woke up in an ambulance, so many things hooked up to his body. He sees nurses next to him sighing  _ Thank God  _ but his focus was Iwaizumi. He was always his focus. 

Iwaizumi’s face lit up and the first thing he said was, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Oikawa could barely move and it put him in agony to see his own blood in Iwaizumi’s clothes. But not as worse as the tears dropping from his favorite pair of eyes. “It’s okay, Iwa-chan. I love you.”

“I’m sorry, Tooru. I love you more than you could think of. Please, don’t leave me. Please.” He begs and kisses Oikawa’s hand. He closes his eyes and begs even more. He just got his only love back, he can't afford to lose him right after. “I love you in a way I can't explain. Don't leave me, I just got you back.” Despite the small space and the blood everywhere, Iwaizumi manages to realize he was wrong.

He used to think Oikawa could snatch the stars from the sky and keep it forever. He was definitely wrong. Oikawa is the star that he wants to keep forever.

“Hajime, I wo—” The ambulance goes in panic. The line goes flat once more and the responders do their work. Asking Iwaizumi to let go of Oikawa’s hand. His whole upper body goes into shock, but there was still nothing. No beat. Not even for Hajime. 

“Time of death, 1:04 PM. Cause of death, loss of blood.” The responder says, looking at his watch and all she could offer Iwaizumi was  _ I’m sorry _ . 

Onesan came to the hospital crying, she was just by herself. She sees Iwaizumi sitting down, crying silently to the loss of his best friend. The best friend he truly loves as a soulmate. She approaches him with nothing but sadness and a hug as they cry together. Through her silent sobs, she utters the words “He loves—loved you as much as love him.” 

Iwaizumi no longer felt anything but regrets. He just wanted to stay by Oikawa’s side. He didn't want to come home anymore. 

Home. It was never a place. It was Iwaizumi for a while. In fact, it was him during Oikawa’s lifetime. But starting today, it’s the sky. It's another place where he belongs if he’s not in Iwaizumi’s arms. 

And Iwaizumi? Where does he go now? He doesn't have a home anymore. He doesn't even know anything anymore.

Except for the fact that it was too early for Tooru to leave. He told him to wait. So many times. Why was his time with him so, so short?

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written anything worth publishing in a while but i got this idea when i was pooping so here you go. i literally couldn't sleep until i finished this so i finished it at 4 am. i hope you liked it <3


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